Who are you really?
Anytime you see this symbol. Take minute to pause and let what you read sink in.
Who are you?
Do you know yourself?
You think you do. Okay.
Who are you then?
No, no, no.
I don’t care about where you’re from, what you do for work, your latest hobby, or your relationships with others.
I wanna know you.
Who are you?
Just you.
Completely stripped to the core.
Your essence.
Your Being.
Who are you really?
“What do you do?”
“Nice to meet you. So what do you do?”
How many times has someone asked you this question?
How many times have you asked it to someone else?
Why is it so automatic?
We don’t even think about it. It just comes out. It’s routine. Clockwork.
What’s the point?
Most people will respond with:
I’m a _____.
I work as a _____.
I _____ (work) for _____ (company).
Does what you do for work properly showcase who you are?
Does the question allow you to capture all of the complexities of “you” in your response?
I’m tired of this question.
And I’m not the only one.
It’s a common theme I’m starting to see in real life and across the internet.
As Godfrey The Great (a medium writer I follow) says in his article “What do you do?”,
“I don’t care about what you do. I care to see if I can get along with you. That’s what’s important. I want to see if we vibe together.” ¹
Now look, if you meet someone who has a similar career to you, you can definitely vibe on that for a bit.
It can be interesting to talk to people who are in the same industry as you because you can get their take on it: if they like it or not, what they like or dislike about it, etc.
I also came across this video where @maddies_mundo talks about her return to the United States after living in Spain for 5 years. When she got back, she realized a difference in the two cultures. She explains that in the US, there is a strong sense of individualist culture, which fuels our tendency to put a lot of importance on what you have (car, house, etc.) and what you do for a living. In the US, it’s not the norm to talk about what you’re actually passionate about to people you meet for the first time. ²
She mentions the question “what are you passionate about?” being a better question to ask, and I agree. It is 100% a step up from “what do you?” If someone is passionate about their job, they can talk about it. But if it’s something else, it invites them to talk about that instead. This question not only gives information on what they are passionate about, but also what their values are.
The why behind the what.
As you may have noticed, searching for the “why” is common theme in this newsletter.
Let’s go back and look for the “why” in “what do you do?”
Why do we constantly ask this question?
Because knowing what someone does for work allows you to conveniently make assumptions as to “who they are.”
The question itself prompts us to reduce each other down to just one identity.
What someone does is their role in society.
It signals how they should act.
It puts them into a box.
You then determine their value to society, and to you, based on that box.
And if their words or actions make an attempt to jump from that box to another, we’re thrown way off.
Sometimes it’s a pleasant surprise.
“Oh I didn’t realize you like to _____, that’s amazing!”
But it can be controversial.
“So you’re saying you’re a _____ who likes to _____. Uhh. What (uncomfortable laugh). Nah, you don’t do that. Are you forreal?”
That’s if someone they’re polite.
Usually it goes more like, “Nah get the f*ck outta here. Oh, you’re a _____. Yea, okay.”
And the absolute worst, that is unfortunately so common, is judging someone based on how they look, before they even get a chance to say what they do or prove who they are.
We hate when things don’t line up how we think they should.
It’s not “normal.”
The person who does X but is also Y or does Z, too, is not normal.
What is normal?
A favorite quote of mine is:
“When you label me, you negate me.”
According to Google, Danish Theologian and Philosopher Søren Kierkegaard is the first person to say this. I’ve heard others say it before finding out about him. Mainly artists.
This Donald Glover interview from The Breakfast Club comes to mind.
The idea here is: once you put me in a box, you struggle to think of me in any other way. And if I try to be something else than what you think I am, you try to shut it down. It’s incongruent with your perception of me.
And we don’t just how box others in.
We do it to ourselves.
With that in mind, who are you?
Take a minute to think about all the labels you have for yourself.
We’re gonna be getting pretty deep here in a minute so buckle up.
Where did your mind take you just now?
I’m a _____.
I like to _____.
Did you think about something you’ve done in the past?
Most people do. You tend to think about who you are based on things you’ve done up until this very moment.
“I’ve played soccer for +20 years, I’m a soccer player.”
Is who you are limited to what you’ve done up until this point or are you more than just that?
Did you think about who you want to become in the future? The person you’re striving to be.
We often think of who we are as a mix of our past self and our future self.
But I what I wanna know is “who you are”. Not who you were, or who you want to become.
Who are you in this very moment? In the present. In the Now.
The Mind, Time, and Identity
Our minds are rarely fully present in the Now. So it’s a hard a question to answer.
In a literal sense, the absolute most literal, the present is all that is real. The past and future do not exist.
What do I mean by that?
Well, the past has already happened. When the past did happen, it was, in fact, the present at that time.
Then there’s the future, which has not happened yet. And when the future does happen, it will be, not in the future, but in the present.
The past and future do not actually exist.
They only exist within the mind.
The only thing that is, is the present moment.
The Now.
This week I’ve been reading Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now where he explains this concept of the Now in depth.
One example that made it click for me is this exercise…
Imagine you could go back to life on Earth before humans existed. If you asked a dinosaur “What time is it?” or “What’s the date today?” they would say, “What time? Well, of course, it’s now. The time is now. What else is there.” ³
Shoutout to Littlefoot and The Land Before Time. I watched that movie so many times on VHS growing up as a kid.
The title alone says it all. But even the theme song starts with, “All I see is the day in front of us. Burning bright with a newborn sun.”
Theme song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhnQT8imhCU
Full length film free on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIxmzVli_aY
What a deep concept for a children’s show. They nailed it.
If the present is all that is actually real, then why are our minds always in the past or the future?
People are constantly thinking about what happened, how they could’ve done better, why it happened, how they should act in the future, how they can be a better person.
The mind needs time.
The mind uses time to make sense of the world around us.
Time gives the mind an identity.
That happened yesterday. This is happening tomorrow.
Who you’ve been → Who you are today → Who you will become
But if the past and present do not actually exist, how could either actually be who you are in this moment?
Have you ever thought, “I don’t feel like myself.”
Is “yourself” not the same as “I”?
If “I” am not the same as “myself”, then how do they differ?
You are not your mind
You are not your past or future experiences. You are…you.
If you choose to change your current life situation, your past experiences can only stop you if you let them. They aren’t real.
Sure, they were at some point. But the singular thing that is real is the Now.
The only thing that you can do is act in the present moment.
Can you go back in time to relive the events you’ve already lived? Only in your mind is this possible. If you act differently in your mind, the outcomes remain the same in the present.
Can you go into the future to predict what’s to come? Only in your mind you can. If you play out a future scenario in a certain way in your mind, who’s to say that the situation is accurately depicted? It hasn’t happened yet, and there are so many factors that could have an effect on what’s to come. You can’t predict the future.
So many people worry about what’s going to happen that they lose sight of the fact that they have all they need right in front of them.
You are not your mind. There’s more to you.
Can you control every single thought that passes through your mind? No. The mind is always racing, trying to make sense of the things it sees. Especially in today’s world.
Tolle explains:
Why is [the Now] the most precious thing? Firstly, because it is the only thing. It’s all there is. The eternal present is the space within which your whole life unfolds, the one factor that remains constant. Life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be. Secondly, the Now is the only point that can take you beyond the limited confines of the mind. It is your only point of access into the timeless and formless realm of Being. ⁴
When you’re able to be present in the Now, you’re able to appreciate your own Being and the world around you with such joy and bliss. You feel lighter. More connected to world. At peace. You’re not trying to be anything else than what you are. You see beauty in the simplest things. It’s always there, whether you’re paying attention to it or not.
Kids are great at staying present. The older you get the harder it is to stay in the Now without dedicated practice. Your life’s events pile up in your mind, shielding you from what’s right in front of you.
The Bhagavad Gita also talks about this idea, “The senses are said to be superior (to the physical body); the mind is superior to the senses; and the intelligence is superior to the mind; but the one superior even to the intelligence is he (the spiritual soul).” ⁵
How to Stay Present
You must become the “silent watcher” of your mind. The observer.
Pretend you’re sitting in the back of a theater watching your mind play out on the screen.
Anytime you catch yourself fall of out the Now, which will inevitably happen as your mind takes back control, take a second to step back and realize that you’re not present. Simply observe. Do not judge. Judging allows your mind to suck you in even further. Kindly let the thoughts pass through you. See what’s in front of you for what it is.
Tolle calls this gap of thought the state of “no-mind.” You’re conscious, but not actively thinking about anything. (Similar to the gap-effect in Step 6 of Learn or Die: 8 Tips to Learn Anything Fast)
Allow your mind to be at rest. Just exist.
For me, meditation has helped so much with staying in the Now. Doing even just a 10 minute mediation each day will help so much with your presence, your mental sharpness, and your ability to make better decisions free of your emotions. If there’s outside noise, I like to throw headphones on with this playing (https://open.spotify.com/episode/7L45vhmdlZGIBmilDDhcdE?si=9f80af8b691942d6)
Being in the Now allows you to act as You. Purely you. Your essence. Your Being.
Descartes is known for his quote, “I think, therefore I am.”
Tolle argues that this is wrong. Thinking is not who you are. It should be just: “I think, therefore I am.”
“Who are you really?”
“I am.”
Hey…I think I’ve heard that before, haven’t I?
A Synchronous Moment
(fun little sidebar here)
I came across this book from a couple different people online, but I didn’t actually buy it until a few weeks after creating this website and revamping my social media. Naturally, the handle and domains for “ryanward” were all taken because there are many other people named “Ryan Ward.”
I’d seen other people use “iam” or “the”, but “theryanward” was taken. So I landed on “iamryanward.com” for this website domain and “@iamryanward” on both Twitter and Instagram, really not thinking too much of it.
Once I got this book, right from the start, reading the introduction, I knew this book was meant to be in my hands. Tolle’s spiritual awakening involved a voice telling him “resist nothing.” A voice. Sounds familiar, eh? (The Power of Writing)
Then I get to the part about “I am.” All I could do was laugh. Life’s funny like that. It was proof from the universe that I’m onto something here, and that I need to keep going.
Use the mind as a tool
Anyway, back to the Now.
You may be thinking to yourself, “I can appreciate the present moment for all that it is, but how does this relate to goal-setting and habits from last week’s article?” (Trigger Warning: You already broke your New Year’s Resolution)
Being present is not exclusive from goal-setting. In fact, it is literally the only thing that will ultimately get you to wherever it is you want to be.
The mind can be used as a tool.
You can look into the past if you need to draw on past experiences to make decisions in the Now.
You can project into the future to think about who you want to become.
Thinking about the past or future can be useful as a tool to reflect on past experiences or prepare for future scenarios, but you must be careful.
The mind is powerful but selfish.
It is only concerned with its own survival. By not staying present, you can so easily create false expectations of what you think is going to happen. Then when you’re thrown a curveball, you’ll be frozen, unable to act freely. Your mind holds you hostage in the future or trapped in the past.
You can’t let the tool dominate you.
When the mind takes over your attention, it is in control. It will try to force you to see the world in a way that aligns with its own identity, who you’ve been, and who you want to become.
The “self” of the mind becomes your identity.
Once you start observing your mind, watching it closely, you begin to take back control.
As you watch the thoughts projected onto the screen ask yourself, “why did I have that thought?”
The more you’re able to stay in the present moment, the more everything else will work out. Things may not happen in the way you expect them to. And that’s okay.
Remember, you are not your mind.
Who are you really?
You are the silent watcher.
You are.
I am.
-Ryan Ward
P.S. A couple tracks came up on shuffle this week that resonate with this piece. Enjoy :)
Footnotes
¹ “What do you do?” by Godfrey The Great, URL: https://medium.com/@godfreythegreat/what-do-you-do-9f920723ed91
² @maddies_mundo https://www.instagram.com/reel/C1qSGikLj8T/?igsh=ZWI2YzEzYmMxYg==
³ The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Page 34.
⁴ The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Page 49
⁵ Bhagavad Gita (in English) by Hari Chetan. Page 76.
